Forgiveness isn't for the other person, it was for myself because I deserved the peace. I don't think Joseph would have rose to King if he was hunkered down with debilitating anger for what his brothers did to him. I had to remember that even though I lost the battle, God still wins the war, every single time. I didn't have to hold onto my unforgiveness to punish the other person. Truth be told, my ex wasn't feeling a single thing from my anger.
When you go through something traumatic the phrase, "Karma is coming," may sound like music to our ears. I would pray for the front row seat just to watch that Karma unfold. Only then would I feel redeemed. The best karma was finding joy in my life again.
Take time to read the section on this website regarding Unseen Child Abuse. John Steinbeck's book and website talk about how to be purposeful in getting back your joy. In my case, of all the abuses I've endured, there was none greater than my child being stripped right from my fingertips with no physical or legal authority to do so.
Losing a child by death is insurmountable. I could not imagine the magnitude of that kind of loss that others in my life have experienced. And, it was my dear friend who lost her young child, said to me when I feared talking to her and making light of her situation, "but you have no closure, instead you wait in limbo knowing your child is out there and is just being taught to exile you while the other parent takes pure enjoyment out of it."
Ugghhh! Punch, Hold, Slide - Repeat!
Why should I forgive?
1 Day Read Gemstone
Ever since I was a little kid, in bible school, the Joseph story was the story of choice whenever we were discussing forgiveness. After all, Joseph forgave his brothers who threw him into a pit and sold him to traders.
Can you imagine what Joseph must have felt when he watched from the bottom of that pit his brothers fade away from the sky above him? The terror and fright of not being able to even call out to your own family for help because it was your family who put you in that pit.
Insurmountable rejection and betrayal. Let's call it what it was, Joseph's brothers were so selfish and jealous that they committed a horrible act of abuse. They didn't just throw Joseph into that pit and then pull him out after self correcting. They continued to plot to sell Joseph, and then plotted the cover up.
Close your eyes and imagine the emotional pain Joseph must have gone through. Desperation, devastation, sorrow, sadness, hatred, helplessness, hopeless, powerless....sound familiar?
When an abuser tells you that you should be more forgiving of him like how Joseph forgave his brothers, stop, don't move a muscle. don't act, and just THINK first! Forgiveness is a must, yes!
Forgiveness doesn't always equal reconciliation though. This is the best part of the Joseph story for me. The testing of his brothers years later for a heart change before he revealed himself to them. Scriptures tells us that the brothers didn't know who Joseph was, at first. "Although Joseph recognized his brothers, they did not recognize him......‘This is how I will know whether you are honest men: Leave one of your brothers here with me, and take food for your starving households and go. But bring your youngest brother to me so I will know that you are not spies but honest men. Then I will give your brother back to you, and you can trade in the land.’ ”Genesis 42:8 & 33
I love this story. I wonder when the brothers traveled back to their father what the chatter was amongst them? Did they plot, as they once did when they threw Joseph into the pit? They could have easily grabbed some stranger to pose as their brother. Read this whole story of Joseph in Genesis 42-46 and outline all the ways Joseph tested his brothers before revealing himself. Forgiveness is a must, in cases of abuse, reconciliation for me meant more abuse.
Often times, when I need to forgive I don't see it clearly at first. Rather, I feel it. Tightly wrapped up anger, inside my chest, pounding against my heart muscle.
Righteous anger motivates. Unchecked anger destroys you from the inside out. Obedience is a choice. When my chest is pounding with anger emotions, I don't wait for the forgiving feelings to miraculously appear. It's okay to be obedient and muster up three little words, "I forgive it," and then Let God do the rest. He knows that forgiving such cruelty is very hard. Let's face it, if we waited for our feelings, each day we'd have a new feeling that kept us holding on the anger.
Emotions are tied to many things and the journey ahead means you may walk right through something that you weren't aware of connected to that emotional hurt. For me, it was walking into my favorite local Starbucks. This was the place my daughter and I retreated to a few times a week before she was encouraged to runaway from her life at our home. I couldn't bring myself to walk through the threshold of their doors for a very long time because when I did my gut flipped and the sick crept up my throat. I'd quickly become enraged that I had to be doing my normal routine without her. I had already forgiven the situation a few times before, but my anger returning towards the situation, and the role my ex played in facilitating the entire thing, told me that it was time to say the words again, "I forgive it, Lord."
Recently, I had the opportunity to speak to teens at our youth group about how forgiveness influences our emotions. I wanted to reach the youth on their level, so what better way to do that than the all time favorite Transformers movie. I described forgiveness to them not as something that is mustered up just one time and then a miracle blanket covers up the whole thing. Deep hurts, forgiveness is repeated over and over again when the emotions bubble up to the surface or you walk face first into a painful memory.
Punch, HOLD, Slide - REPEAT in forgiveness terms means the hurt is inevitably going to PUNCH you in your heart again, HOLD it for a moment only to embrace what God may have for you because out of ashes comes beauty, and then SLIDE away from the anger by REPEATing forgiveness again.
Many times, I've repeated to myself, over and over again, "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." Matthew 5:11
Then He instructs us to be glad about the persecution, and that's where I fall short every single time. How can I feel glad about being falsely accused, insulted and treated in a cruel manner, as if I had no value or worth?
"Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." Matthew 5:12
Forgiveness, even just mustering up the words, "I forgive it," is a choice to be glad regardless of our circumstances, and then GREAT IS YOUR REWARD.
Hope is required for the sometimes, timeless waiting, on God to reveal the reward in our situations. I found this book when I was quite fed up with hoping for anything different in my life. The sum of my bad choices blended with a broken people picker equalled hurting kids and my own exhaustion with being unable to fix it.
If you've noticed throughout this website, it was the one liners on the back of books that hooked my curiosity. Some of these books were pre Amazon Cloud Reader, so I had to search for the option to download the book immediately from anywhere possible because the kids were in bed, and Barnes and Noble was already closed for the night.
After the ebook would download at dial up speed, I'd hunker down with my journal and a pretty pen. My Friday/Saturday nights were a party all right, and I had the emotional hangover to prove it in the morning.
How do I read these books in one night? First, because if I'm being honest, I couldn't rest until I had answers which was my own Faith and Trust issue. I am not His most patient child and though I've grown more faithful in being patient with His timing, I can still remember quite clearly where I was. Second, my thirst for more knowledge, the kind where you cram all night like you're going to be tested the very next day, has allowed me to give back to others. These books saved my life and God used them to keep me focused on His word, centered on His promises, so that I could give back.
Keeping a Princess Heart: In a Not-So-Fairy-Tale
by Nicole Johnson
How can a woman live with hope . . . in the midst of REALITY?
....you wonder how your heart will survive, because what you have isn't even close to what you hoped for. Hang on! Real hope is found in the tension between the two?in an invisible kingdom. This place is where you discover the true heart of a princess?one full of dreams, wonder, delight, and joy.