What to Do When Co-Parenting Doesn’t Work
05/29/2012 01:53 am ET | Updated Feb 25, 2014
Co-parenting is possible only when both exes support their children’s need to have a relationship with the other parent....But some people never get to acceptance. They become, essentially, addicted to anger. They convince themselves that the other parent is incompetent, mentally ill, or dangerous. They transmit this conviction directly or indirectly not only to the children, but also to school staff, mental health professionals and anyone who will listen. High-conflict exes are on a mission to invalidate the other parent. No therapist, mediator, parenting class, or Gandhi-esque channeling will make an anger-addicted ex take off the gloves and agree to co-parent.
If you are wondering how you’re going to survive raising kids with your high-conflict ex without losing every last one of your marbles, I offer you this counterintuitive suggestion: Stop trying to co-parent!
Try Parallel Parenting instead.
What is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel Parenting is radical acceptance. It means letting go of fighting reality. Why are you trying to have a reasonable conversation with someone who isn’t reasonable, at least with you? Stop expecting reciprocity or enlightenment. Stop needing the other person to see you as right. You are not ever going to get these things from your anger-addicted ex, and you can make yourself sick trying.
1. Communicate as little as possible - you can choose what to respond to and you will be able to delete knee-jerk retorts
2. Make Rules for Communication - If your ex tends uses e-mails to harass you, tell him you will not respond, and if the abuse continues, you will stop e-mailing altogether.
3. Do Not Respond to Threats of Lawsuits - It is quite possible that your ex does not really intend to put money where their mouth is, so don’t take the bait.
4. Avoid being together at child-related functions - attend events separately as much as possible, conferences, even curbside drop off
5. Be proactive with school staff and mental health professionals - School staff and therapists may have heard things about you that aren’t true. When they see you, they will realize that you are a reasonable person who is trying to do the right thing for your child.
6. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff -
Parallel Parenting requires letting go of what happens in the other parent’s home.
Psychologically worn down and emotionally drained. That's how I describe the harassment that occurs with my co-parenting situation. Chaos, circles and gaslighting all wrapped up inside a gmail interrogation.
It wasn't until I was diagnosed with PTSD that I realized just how worn down these emails drained my energy tank. Stuck inside a cycle of reproving and explaining myself. My loved ones would say, "stop explaining yourself," but I was too fearful to not respond. I was terrified that if I didn't set the record straight in writing then he would be able to prove that my silence was an admission of guilt.
I found myself venting to others about emailed insults, subliminal accusations, and asking me the same questions over and over again. I kept hearing, "Are you surprised?" No, I wasn't surprised, but I wanted it to stop.
Each time, I would answer a question in email, my reply would get picked apart and twisted. Next thing I knew, there were 72 email exchanges attempting to clarify my motives and responses.
Acceptance was the only key to my own inner peace. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Reinhold Niebuhr
I understand asking for courage to change the things that I can, the wisdom to know the difference, but I needed Moses staff in order to accept my circumstances for those things I could not change.
What does acceptance look like? How do you tell someone to just accept that this is how things are going to be? Accepting the reality that I can't change this person was fine for me as long as I knew that he'd be held accountable for not abiding by our court order. In my experience, by the time we even got to a merits hearing all the important issues were weeded out and minimized down to one or two petty things.
A whole new level of acceptance had to be achieved when I knew that it's going to happen again, as early as next week.
Accepting that I can't make them care no matter how many times I reprove my goodness.
Accepting that acts of kindness in a healthy co-parenting situation looks much differently than appeasing to prevent hells fury.
Accepting that I don't have to live in fear and I don't have to explain myself over and over again. Not responding to every little hurled insult or subliminal coercive message allowed me to take back my power. Each time I practiced not responding, I would feel more and more empowered. Eventually, I became more afraid of giving that power back up so cheaply by reacting, and less afraid of what was actually in the email intended to harass me.
I wish I could share that the harassing emails have ceased. They haven't stopped. I wish I could say that fear of the next email isn't my first response. This process is not easy. Practice. Practice. Practice. At least, the time between the harassing has gotten further apart.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galations 6:9
I often hear Julia Roberts blurt out in my head when an email pops up on my notification bar, "I say when..."
Meaning, If I have to respond because it's a legitimate question, then I get to decide "when" I have to respond. If the psychological warfare is going to begin then it's not going to be cheap. Sometimes waiting a week, or two, helps me not get worn down.
In tougher times, I also have someone read the emails and tell me if a response is even necessary. I try to do this on weeks that my plate is already emotionally or physically full and I can't afford a withdrawal from my energy tank.
I had to learn the hard way about Parallel Parenting. By the time I finally came across the article in the right column, reading it was more of a checklist and reflection. I still have to resist the urge to try and have a reasonable conversation with an unreasonable person. I naturally want to believe that everyone is capable of taking the gloves off.
When my ex turns on the willingness and apologetic charm button it seems believable. My believing that willingness and apology at face value cost me a great deal later on. We all know the saying, "hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me." What someone says and what they do has to match, and match for a long time. That's how I can see someone's character. If my ex apologizes, but then does it again, his sorry becomes just a word and means very little without actions.
Just when I thought I had learned to accept things I couldn't change, my situation calls for more acceptance. It's important to focus on trusting God and that He's the King of my fight.
I try to win this war
I confess, my hands are weary, I need your rest
Mighty warrior, KING of the fight
No matter what I face you're by my side
When you don't move the mountains
I'm needing you to move
When you don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When you don't give the answers
As I cry out to you
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you!