Devotional Gemstone

Physical abuse

The  1 day Read 

Gemstone

I read the book below in one night. ​The kind of book where I stayed up all night with my Lord and my journal. No sleep, but in the morning I felt like I wasn't losing my marbles anymore.

The knowledge helped me make choices to step OUT away from the abuse. After all, I wasn't Shining, at all. I was living isolated and afraid. Afraid of the next outburst, the next shoe to drop, the next reveal of deception, the next accusation, the next moment where I'd have to barter a little more of my self worth just so that the children in the other room didn't endure any backlash. My dear Pastor said to me, "Sweetie, you might have flushed the toilet, but you're still in the toilet!"

Don't take my word for it, read this little comment that caught my attention and maybe it will catch yours too. 

“This is without a doubt the most informative and useful book yet written on the subject of abusive men. Women who are armed with the insights found in these pages will be on the road to recovering control of their lives.”—Jay G. Silverman, Ph.D., Director, Violence Prevention Programs, Harvard School of Public Health

Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued in a relationship, and to find ways to get free of abuse.

In Why Does He Do That? 

you will learn about:
 
• The early warning signs of abuse
• The nature of abusive thinking
• Myths about abusers
• Ten abusive personality types
• The role of drugs and alcohol
• What you can fix, and what you can’t
• And how to get out of an abusive relationship safely

​​​I found myself minimizing the smaller situations such as shoving a bowl of noodles at my face when I didn't comply with a controlling demand. After all, it wasn't an actual slap in my face, right? Yes, it is!

It took something jolting like my Sissy saying to me, "I can't take it, do you realize you've given him a step by step account of the three things you bought at the store and exactly how much each one cost?"

My own response back to her was more piercing than her statement. I responded, "because he's drinking and it's just easier to tell him now or he will hound me when he comes back drunk." 

What's the emoji for mortified and eyes are now wide open? Ewhhh! Puke! Gag! What were those words that left my mouth that day. I can still taste them and it makes the hair on my neck stand at attention. 

After they left my mouth there was no taking them back. The veil was lifted from my eyes. I now know exactly how I got there.

Minimization of the things that I thought were small at the time. Not small at all, rather they desensitized me to endure the bigger mistreatments. 

It didn't start with the reach across the counter, grabbing me in my mouth, as an attempt to shut me up. It started with the extra lengthy questions that I interpreted as curiosity which he labeled as being detail minded. When I would do my hair, put makeup on, or anything that remotely was perceived as seeking attention it wasn't received with a compliment that I looked beautiful. Long conversations started about how I was beautiful in sweatpants and my hair in a bun with no makeup. Sweet at first, but who doesn't dress up for the Christmas party with family? Who was I trying to impress at the family Christmas party?

My inner security began to deteriorate when suddenly he would just appear at the door early in the day when I thought he was at work. No call to let me know he was stopping by which was quickly labeled as a surprise. After the tenth surprise, I sensed something was just off but couldn't put my finger on it. And, then it wasn't as simple as him being at the door anymore. I'd turn around and he'd be standing right there, out of nowhere. Of course, the normal reaction followed. I screamed. Quickly the subject became less about what in the world he was doing sneaking up on me in the middle of the day and more of interrogating me regarding who I was expecting, if I wasn't expecting him.

Those interrogations could last hours until I found ways to just smooth things over, especially if the kids were going to hear any disruptions.

I was 34 years old when the words on a Domestic Violence poster hung on a stall door of the public bathroom, clearly meant for teens and not me, came flying off the paper at me.

There is always that person in your life that breathes wisdom when you need it the most. If you've already read the page "What is Abuse?" then you already know about the "flushing the toilet" comment. It's easy to get upset when those who aren't wearing any goggles try to reach you, especially when you're already feeling verbally beat down. I have several good and faithful soldiers in my life and with their help I took the hard steps into the unknown places and fears of GETTING OUT!

Worn down before the morning rays even cleared the windows is much how my days started. The concerns and fears haunted my sleep. I would pray for a hedge of protection around myself and my children fervently after one night he appeared back in my home standing over me while I slept. 

By that point, I no longer felt sorry for him when he attempted to guilt me by pleading that he would take his own life by driving his car into a tree. I will be real here, those comments worked before. Who wants to see someone take their own life. I let myself believe that I was the reason for him existing and somehow he cared for me that much. Neglected and starved by past abusive relationships this certainly was satan's weapon of choice to validate that I was now needed more than any other guy had shown me befre. For me to have the mindset that this man loved me so much that he would take his own life without me took God out of the equation.

After that night, I took to the internet once again and searched for answers that I wasn't alone. When I found this book, I downloaded whatever ebook version that was available in that moment and hunkered down through the night with my Lord and journal. I am not saying that all abusers have personality disorders nor am I saying that they can't change. 

God can do anything, but that didn't mean I needed to remain in that situation until

change happened. In the meantime, I needed to change where this big burgundy

conversion van full of kids counting on me was headed. It was important for me to

trust God that if heart change was going to happen then God would reveal that

to me. Until then, forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation.

We didn't reconcile.