"Unspoken, Unbroken...that's us," that was the text I received one evening from a dear friend and it inspired me to write this page.
Life can be hard. I'm not talking about the hard moments we may have each day like strategic decisions regarding who is picking up Tommy, and how Timmy is getting to practice while Tammy isn't feeling well.
Life throws snowballs our way. The cold icy packed baseball size kind that come out of nowhere and land right upside your face. Feel that? Shock, anger, humiliation and hurt. Big fat hurt, and unlike melting snowballs, the hurt doesn't just get wiped away with your sleeve.
If you're anything like me, I wanted to isolate myself because it was easier to keep the noise in my head quiet. I'm referring to the noise from questions, advice and when others would minimize my situation into the box that made it feel better for them. We need friends, we need our sisters in Christ, and it's okay, if we're messy.
Fortunately, I have been blessed with a support team. I call them a team because they really do rally behind me even when we are both exhausted.
Each friend was different, so please don't hold your team of friends to this standard. I learned long ago that God provides us a little something special from each person and that little something special looks a little different from each one of them.
One friend called me every morning and night during a tough time. When I asked her why, she said, "because those are the two hardest parts of the day." Some friends had no expectations and were extremely flexible with your cancellations or forgetfulness. They just get it and love you anyway!
Some friends know you need to vent, vomit and unload. And, when I say vomit, I mean the projectile kind filled with anger and hurt. These friends know that you'll be okay, but you've got to get it all out before you can refocus yourself. They don't try to own it, take it personal or tell you to knock it off. They sit in the mud with you and let you go through it with no criticism.
Some friends allow you to lay your head on their lap and just sob because life has flipped you back into crisis mode once again. They don't try to fix the situation, rather overflowing comfort. Meanwhile, other friends can't handle all the emotion of seeing you broken, so they offer to run an errand or take your kids for a little while.
"Unspoken, Unbroken...that's us," came from a friend right after I apologized for being too consumed with sorting out my mess that I hadn't reached out to her much. It's easy to be consumed with our mess. After all, we've all got mess, it just comes in different circumstances and situations.
Picture a crisis in your own life. At some point we've all had them. When I started my mornings with an empty tank depleted from the day before there wasn't much of me to give out past my own husband and kids. Even that was a struggle. I was a mess, and this past year, I was a mess often. I came across this amazing saying this year on a necklace charm, "I'm a BEAUTIFUL MESS, I'm His masterpiece and that's enough. Ephesians 2:10"
God used my mess to reveal to me that some relationships had to crumble. When these relationships crumbled, I had to learn to trust in Him that only He had the power to restore them.
My friends special grace filled message "unspoken, unbroken...that's us," came right after someone in my life revealed that their expectations of me were really high, especially given the season of life I was in. Falling short on those expectations was not met with grace or loving correction. Even my acknowledgement, apology, added with a plan of action to make the situation better brought no resolve. The hurt this person felt was big in their heart and that left no room for grace to usher in past the anger to offer healing, reconciliation, and growth in both of our lives.
So, here is where I tell you how I used to handle these kinds of conflicts in relationships. I hate conflict. I've grown in Christ enough to learn how to do it better, but I still hate it. Unresolved conflict leaves an unsettled rumbling in my stomach. I've got to fix that acid churning up in my throat from my nerves screaming at me that I'm getting "rejected."
Looking back at some of those conflicts, I realize that I couldn't possibly sleep until the conflict was resolved. God says, "don't let the sun go down on your anger," right. Keyword, MY ANGER. This doesn't mean I was supposed to take off on a course of action to make their anger go away by over apologizing, and packing up their hurt for fear of being rejected and bringing it home with me.
Hurt people, hurt people. I can recall many times I let my hurt spill over and allowed that hurt to give me an excuse to hurt back. We are messy human beings. We step on toes unintentionally. Perceptions and interpretations take their foothold in our hearts.
Conflict is supposed to produce opportunity for growth. Relationships take two people desiring the relationship in order for the opportunity of conflict to offer healing. Sometimes, I had to move forward, and move on when a relationship crumbled, being content that my desire was to resolve the issue and they weren't there yet. "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?" James 4:1
My pastor did a sermon on how our words have the ability to breathe life or cause death. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
Life is what I feel when I replay my friend's grace filled words to me, "Unspoken, Unbroken...that's us!"
Whisper words that breathe LIFE = Love Intentionally Faithfully Empathetically
The 1 Day Read Gemstones should really be a packaged deal. I had to learn the hard way in my journey about emotionally unsafe people, and how that was different than healthy conflict with a safe person?
"Unspoken, Unbroken....That's Us!"
Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
by Henry Cloud
Too many of us have invested ourselves into relationships that left us deeply wounded. We've been abandoned or taken advantage of, and left with little to show for what we've given. We've lost our sense of security and personal value in the process. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend offer solid guidance for making safe choices in relationships, from friendships to romance. They help identify the nurturing people we all need in our lives, as well as ones we need to learn to avoid. Discover what makes some people relationally safe, and how to avoid unhealthy entanglements. You'll learn about things within yourself that jeopardize your relational security. And you'll find out what to do and what not to do to develop a balanced, healthy approach to relationships.
The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande
Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers." But it often seems like conflict and disagreement are unavoidable. Serious, divisive conflict is everywhere-within families, in the church, and out in the world. And it can seem impossible to overcome its negative force in our lives. In The Peacemaker, Ken Sande presents a comprehensive and practical theology for conflict resolution designed to bring about not only a cease-fire but also unity and harmony. Sande takes readers beyond resolving conflicts to true, life-changing reconciliation with family members, coworkers, and fellow believers. Biblically based, The Peacemaker is full of godly wisdom and useful suggestions that are easily applied to any relationship needing reconciliation. Sande's years of experience as an attorney and as president of Peacemaker Ministries will strengthen readers' confidence as they stand in the gap as peacemakers.
How can I show Jesus work in my by taking responsibility for my contribution to the conflict?