I like to tell people that wrestling my teenager to get up on their own in the morning is a piece of cake when it comes to the other pressures I face in parenting. I can deal with the day to day pressures like "what's for dinner," or "Mom, how long have these clothes been sitting in the washer." Outside pressures are another scenario all together.
I mention on other pages that abusive people don't stop being abusive just because you get divorced. In some cases, both parents find a peaceful co-parenting situation and work well together. I'd like to say that's my case, but it's simply not.
In my case, the abuse took on a new form and parenting within those pressures felt overwhelming and nearly impossible, at times. Whether it was criticizing me at every turn, making false allegations to bend me into submission, or harassing me through countless emails over petty issues, the other parent believing I was capable was not going to be my resolve.
No matter how much I did or the eggshells I walked on there was no convincing the other parent that I was fit to raise their child. I'd like to say that I soared with confidence and courage. Not! I trembled with agonizing fear over the next accusation and crossed every "t" and dotted every "i." Doing that, didn't change a thing because the other person didn't change.
Rather, my doctor told me after a heart attack, sleepless nights, and feeling anxious that I was suffering from something called Combat Stress. He said, "you've been in the trenches with these men far too long.", This is also known as PTSD.
I accomplished nothing walking on eggshells. Instead, I was afraid to even take my child's phone away for back talking repeatedly for fear of the raging email outlining the horrible parent that I was. Take a bunch of eggshells, crush them up, take off your socks and start walking. What's left is a dance with your tip-toes, and I had mastered the same art that took ballerinas years to learn. I was doing whatever I could do to avoid hells fury.
Many times people would tell me that I was an incredible mom, God told me I was doing an awesome job, my current husband praised me, so why was there corners of my soul that still struggled with accepting it. It was a slow process of tearing down my confidence piece by piece. Each email, accusatory text, or false allegation sent me straight down the path of defending myself.
Want to know how to continue dancing with the abuser? Respond. Even worse, respond by defending yourself. On the Harassment page of this website, parallel parenting is discussed and RADICAL ACCEPTANCE.
Here is what radical acceptance looks like. "Why are you trying to have a reasonable conversation with someone who isn’t reasonable, at least with YOU?" I'm not saying that my ex couldn't be reasonable with other people, rather he was masterful in charm. Anything that came to me, reasonableness didn't exist and my pleading for him to be reasonable by defending myself didn't change a thing. I was no better off than the email I responded to the week prior.
What's next after you've made the transition from defending to radical acceptance? Find a good counselor. I couldn't control the pressures coming from the outside influences, but I could give them a place to have a voice and somewhere to build up their own confidence. If mine was down then there's might me down too.
Counseling. Counseling. Counseling. Better yet, TimberNook. I met my youngest daughters counselor about two years ago, and when I recall her wisdom, as I'm typing, there is a smile on my face. She's not just my daughter's counselor, but she's also incorporated into her practice a TimberNook program that I can't rave about enough. I've seen transformation in confidence levels from this program in my children. That makes me want to be brave too.
On the home page, you will also see a quote I used from one of my conversations with her, "Life is not fair, but God is good!" I remember crying to her about the outside pressures throwing everything and the kitchen sink at me, and I blurted out, "This is so unfair." Her response was sweet and simple, "But, God is good!"
Parenting under pressure produces diamonds and that's how I had to learn to view my circumstances. I can not allow others to chip away at my confidence. My children are well rounded and equipped because of those same pressures. God is shaping them into diamonds, so that they can do just what scripture calls them to do one day, comfort others.
Praise to the God of All Comfort 2 Corinthians 1:3-6
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
Read this next piece carefully: 2 Corinthians 1:8-10
If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer......We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again.
Distressed equals comfort which produces patient endurance, so that we learn to rely on Him.
BE BRAVE PARENTS - Pressure is making Diamonds!
Parenting Under Pressure
How to Really Love Your Teen
by Ross Campbell
It's one of the most common parenting scenarios--parent and child are developing nicely, when the child crosses that mysterious threshold into the "teenager zone." Suddenly, the parents feel unable to fully relate to their teen--and the teen responds to the parents' uneasiness. In this best-selling book, Dr. Campbell helps parents understanding the delicate dance between parents and their emerging teenagers. Learn how to create a solid, balanced approach for relating to your teen, how to communicate unconditional love, how to handle teenage anger, as well as your own, and how to help your teenager grow spiritually and intellectually.
Discover Your Child's D.Q. Factor: The Discipline Quotient System
by Greg Cynaumon
Why does one child straighten up with only a stern glance from Mom, while another may require her parents to take away privileges or give her a time out? According to Dr. Greg Cynaumon, it's because each child has a personal Discipline Quotient--a disciplinary "temperament" that makes some methods work better than others. Including individual self-tests to help parents identify the D.Q. of each of their children, this book promises not only to stop rebellion before it starts, but to bring families closer together. January 2, 2004
We often tell people we have two bibles in our household, the Holy Bible and the DQ Factor Bible. I don't know how many times we've had to go back to this book to remind ourselves that personalties of each child matter and make a difference in teaching, learning and discipline.
Learning that "Natural and Logical consequences," are the magical tool that works across all four personalties. Yelling because they won't stop arguing, not going to work. What works is patience, pause, and sometimes waiting for that moment your child's ears are fulyl open and your emotion is completely calm.
READ IT, and watch parenting life transform and JOY come back into your household. Instead of pulling your hair out it in the closet, laughter returns.